


Omelettes, Coffee and Picasso

by Colonel_Edd



Category: Torchwood
Genre: But it’s only temporary, Female Ianto Jones, Female Jack Harkness - Freeform, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Meantions of overused Torchwood Logo, Romance, Temporary Genderbending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 06:58:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19000699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colonel_Edd/pseuds/Colonel_Edd
Summary: Ianto had woken up in many strange situations and places, this one might just take the cake.





	Omelettes, Coffee and Picasso

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned, I wrote this last night after a couple of cans. I tried to refine it this morning but it is what is is, hope you enjoy.

Ianto Jones has woken up in many unusual and honestly unforgettable circumstances, courtesy of both working for Torchwood and surrounding himself with frankly insane people throughout his life. It was almost just a part of the job at this point, if he had a pound for every time he’d woken up in a different place to where he’d fallen asleep he’d be a rich man indeed.

This time however was special for three reasons, the first one being that he was in a place he definitely recognised and the second being that he was cuddling a half-naked woman he had never met. And the third? Well, be was in his boss’ bed.

“Um,” he tried not to panic as the woman started waking up as well, “Who are you?” Jack was going to have a field day when he found out about this, he was never going to live this down, “How did you get in here?” His voice sounded strange in his ears but Ianto chose to ignore that for now, who knew what this woman had done to him. He glanced around quickly looking fruitlessly for a weapon, he’d let his guard down and he should have known better. He should always be alert, he’d learnt that in his first week at Torchwood but in his defence the hub was supposed to be secure, Jack’s bunk doubly so, how the hell did this woman even get inside?

This woman that for some reason was smiling at him even if she did look a little shocked, “Well, hello there” she practically purred, “What, you don’t recognise me Ianto?”

“Recognise you?” Ianto squinted at her as he shifted as far away as he could on Jack’s tiny bunk, “I don’t…” actually now he was getting past the shock, she did look eerily familiar, “Oh for-“ his manners wouldn’t permit him to swear in front of her, “Jack?” His voice was different, more feminine but the tone screamed Jack. Of course his lovers first reaction would be to turn on the charm in this situation

Jack winked at him, his grin giving him away if not the next words that came out of his mouth, “Well well, don’t we look _ravishing_ this morning?”

No, Ianto closed his eyes and counted to five in an attempt to keep his cool because Jack had just said _we_ , “Please no” he lifted the covers slightly to take a peek before clutching them tight against his new body, “Oh god”

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad” Jack, unlike Ianto, had no problem eagerly exploring his new body. He threw his side of the covers off and started groping himself- herself? No, himself. This was still Jack and Jack was a man, a man who looked like all his Christmas’s had come at once

That is, before Ianto forcibly threw the covers back over him and ruined his fun, “What the hell did you do?”

Offended, Jack frowned, “I didn’t do anything, this isn’t my fault”

“Then how do you explain… this?” Ianto asked weakly, “Why does the rift hate us so much? Assuming this was the rift and not another one of the shady figures from your past”

“It could always be a shady figure from your past” Jack grumbled, trying to take a peek at Ianto’s body under the covers but his lover had other ideas and had the blankets in an iron clasp grip

Ianto fixed him with an unimpressed glare, “You’re right, because my ex’s have access to powerful alien technology capable of doing this to us”

Arguing wasn’t going to get them anywhere, “Fine, now that I think about it, it was probably the device I was fiddling with on my desk last night before you came in and started ravishing me” he’d never been able to figure out what the damn thing did, looks like he had his answers now, 

“Probably?” And of course that’s the part of the sentence that Ianto latched on to, “So you think you can reverse it then?”

“Only one way to find out” Jack flung the covers off himself once again and checked the time, “It’s still early, the rest of the team won’t be in for a few hours yet, I gave them a late morning”

“Hang on” Ianto respectfully averted his gaze from Jack’s naked body, a blush covering his cheeks, “Aren’t you going to… you’re only wearing boxers” and that was a small miracle in itself as Jack usually slept in the nude

Jack didn’t seem to understand the problem, “You’ve seen it all before”

“Not like this” Ianto insisted, it felt wrong to be looking at Jack’s chest like this, almost like cheating and he didn’t like it, “Could you…” he doesn’t want Jack to feel ashamed of his new temporary body, he made a very beautiful woman but it was making him uncomfortable, “Could you maybe get dressed before you go marching around the hub?”

“Fine,” Jack rolled his eyes but his smile was fond as he pulled on one of his undershirts, it was almost comically large on his now slighter frame, hanging off one shoulder in a way Ianto would find cute under different circumstances. Bloody Torchwood, “Better?”

“Much, uh, could you pass me mine?” No way was he getting out of bed until he was fully covered, he didn’t want to see what he looked like. He’d have to avoid his reflection upstairs because if he looked into a mirror and saw his sisters face looking back at him he might be sick.

“Here,” Jack tossed his some clothes and nodded at the ladder that led up to his office, “I’ll be waiting up there for you, don’t dawdle”

Ianto watched as Jack started climbing up the rungs and scoffed at the very idea, “Yeah because I’m the one who spends half an hour in the morning styling my hair”

Jack threw a wink over his shoulder before he disappeared upstairs, “You love my hair”

And yeah, he did. He loved Jack’s hair, and his smile and sure his laugh was pretty contagious and maybe on occasion his pouts made Ianto’s insides go all fuzzy but that wasn’t even slightly relevant right now. He had clothes to put on and an alien device to try and manipulate into turning him back to normal.

Oh god he had to turn back to normal, he refused to stay stuck like this.

\--

“Well,” Jack tossed the device he’d been inspecting back onto his desk carelessly, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is this thing is busted, no way to get it working again” Ianto felt the bottom of his stomach fall out before Jack continued, “The good news is the effects aren’t permanent, it should hopefully wear off in a day or so, maybe less considering the fact it was only powered by dregs of energy”

Relief flooding through his veins, Ianto slouched back in his seat with a sigh, “Thank god” but then of course his traitorous brain had to torment him, “What about the team?” Call him vain but he didn’t want them to see him like this

“The rift looks like it’ll be quiet for a while,” Jack pushed his now longer hair out of his face and behind his ear, “I can tell them not to come in if you want, this can be our little secret” a predatory grin crept onto his face, “We could have a little fun while we wait in fact”

Cringing, Ianto shook his head and crossed his arms self-consciously over his inflated chest, “Really? That’s the last thing on my mind right now” 

Jack shrugged, feigning disinterest, “I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about it since I woke up, you’re very attractive”

“Yeah, no” Ianto swallowed nervously, hoping Jack wouldn’t push him on this. He knew his lover would never forced himself on him but he didn’t want to fight about it either, “Is it the most cliché excuse ever if I say I’m tired?”

Jack laughed at that but even his laugh was different, higher, more tinkly, “Alright, alright message received. No hanky panky until this thing wears off”

Ianto shifted uncomfortably, feeling like he had to explain himself, “I… it just feels weird.”

Smiling softly, Jack reached out to hold his now smaller hand, “It’s alright, Ianto. I don’t mind. To me, the body you’re in? It doesn’t matter. You’re still you, Jones Ianto Jones, Coffee king, pterodactyl wrangler, Torchwood archivist and a saint for putting up with me” that at least, got a small laugh out of Ianto, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I won’t suggest it again, I just wanted you to know I still see you under all this”

“Thank you” Ianto squeezed the hand Jack was still holding and took in a deep breath, “Breakfast? I can make coffee if you want”

“Oh I want” Jack nodded enthusiastically, getting to his feet immediately and dragging Ianto over to the small kitchenette, “Omelette?”

“Please” omelettes were usually their between sex refuel food but he wasn’t about to turn one down, Jack was a surprisingly good cook but Ianto figured he’d had a long time to learn

With a put upon sigh, Jack shook his head, “Manners and a cute smile, what am I going to do with you?” He smiled to himself as he dug through the tiny fridge for eggs he knew were in there somewhere, “We should take pictures,” he said, head half inside the fridge, “For archival reasons, y’know?”

Did Jack really think he would fall for that? Please, “You mean for bargaining the next time you piss off Toshiko”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that comment” Jack finally gathered everything he needed and pouted pleadingly at Ianto, “Coffee?”

Chest tight, Ianto turned away and returned his attention to the machine, “Coming up, you can’t rush art Jack”

“Oh I know, Picasso said the same thing” Jack said off handedly and Ianto didn’t bat an eyelid, he was used to Jack dropping famous names into conversation by now and found it was easier to just pretend his boyfriend hadn’t slept with half the people he’d learnt about in school, “Bon Appetite” Jack plated up two omelettes and settled down at the small table with a smile, “We should do this more often”

“What? Get turned into girls?” Ianto raised an eyebrow, “If its all the same I’d rather not”

Jack looked uncharacteristically shy, “No, I mean…” he took a deep breath and tried again, more confident this time, “I mean breakfast, you and me, together”

Breakfast, they had breakfast together all the time in the hub. Granted the rest of the team was usually present but it’s not like they had appalling table manners or anything. Ianto didn’t understand but Jack looked like he was ready to bolt so he slapped on a smile and nodded along, “Yeah, me too, it’s nice” that at least seemed to calm Jack down so Ianto counted it as a win even though he wasn’t sure what he’d just agreed to.

It felt nice, Ianto was surprised to find that they were having an honest to god Moment. It deserved capitalisation. They were smiling at each other over breakfast like a normal, dare he say the word, _couple._

Then of course, he had to ruin it by looking down at his half empty plate, “Jack?” He pushed the remainder of his omelette to the side of his plate so he could get a good look at the centre where it should be a clean crisp white, “Why is the Torchwood logo stamped onto my plates? Do you have any idea how often I have to go out to replace the crockery in this place?”

“Ah,” Jack didn’t look the least bit sorry, “I thought it would look nice, and I’ve got to say they came out great-”

“Jack we’re meant to be a secret organisation,” Ianto sighed they’ve had this argument before and would undoubtedly do so again in the future, “I’ve let you put the logo on our damn guns but I draw the lines at the plates, we do not need to be reminded of where we work when we’re eating” he was a menace with a label maker, Ianto still remembered coming into work and finding Jack had labelled all their safety equipment. It must have taken him hours but the idiot had just grinned and said it was worth it.

Jack shrugged, unrepentant, and was it Ianto’s imagination, or was his hair a little shorter? His face definitely looked more masculine now, his jaw was slowly returning to it’s former glory and Ianto forgot for a minute that he was supposed to be mad with him as he checked the clock. 

It’s been close to two hours since they woke up, could they already be changing back?

Jack interrupted his train of thought, “What’s with that face? Are you really that upset about the plates because I-”

“No” Ianto waved it off, “Its nothing, just please don’t touch the coffee machine. If I have to look at those bloody hexagons while I brew coffee you’ll be getting instant for at least a month”

Holding a hand to his heart, Jack promised, “Scouts honour”

“Oh please, like they’d have let you be a scout” Ianto rolled his eyes and collected their plates so he could wash them, blowing his now much longer hair out of his eyes with a huff.

“I could have been a scout” Jack pouted as he sidled up behind him, wrapping his arms around Ianto’s now significantly daintier waist and resting his chin on his shoulder, “This okay?”

“Yes” and it was, it was so typically Jack that it felt natural, “Just keep your hands to yourself”

“Sure thing tiger” Jack pushed his luck and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek but Ianto didn’t have the heart to wriggle away and so he let it slide, “I think the effects are wearing off a bit,” Jack very obviously stared at his chest, “Your boobs are smaller”

Ianto cringed, “Do you have to call them that?”

“What, would you prefer I said tits? Breasts? Jugs? Bosom? Hoote-” Jack rattled off a list and was only silenced when Ianto span around and planted one on him, “Hmm” Jack hummed into the kiss, tightening his grip on Ianto’s waist as he tried to pull away, “That was unexpected”

“Only way I know how to shut you up” Ianto licked his lips, he hadn’t hated that as much as he thought he would have, “Your voice is getting deeper by the way”

“Is it?” Jack tried it out, “Huh, I guess it is, I don’t suppose if I talk for long enough I could get you to shut me up again?”

“Nope” Ianto slipped out of his hold, “I know it’s still you but it feels like cheating, I don’t need that on my conscience”

Jack sighed but didn’t push, “Fine, I’m going to take a shower” just because Ianto didn’t want to explore his new body with him doesn’t mean that Jack had to miss out on the fun, “You can join me if you want but I won’t hold it against you if not”

Watching Jack walk away and climb down into his bunk, Ianto was half tempted to take him up on his offer but decided against it in the end. He still hadn’t gotten a decent look at himself in this new female body, well he’d had a quick look while getting dressed but he had no idea what his face looked like. There was a reason he’d been avoiding mirrors all owning, he was half terrified he looked like his sister. Grimacing, Ianto told himself there was no way he'd be able to have sex Jack looking like Rhiannon. It just crossed a boundary, that was too weird even for them.

Then again, maybe he didn’t look like his sister. Maybe he was a really hot woman and he was wasting the opportunity of a lifetime…

Fuck it, Ianto made his way towards the office and gingerly climbed down what Jack gleefully and regularly called his manhole. He could hear the water running in the small bathroom and was halfway to the door when he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Wow, he looked…

“Gross” Ianto scrunched his nose up as he looked at himself, his body was half way back to normal by now, his hair was in a sort of mullet stage, he had most of his regular masculine facial features back and his upper body was a lot less curvy than before. He didn’t look half as pretty as Jack but he guessed he should be thankful he held little resemblance to Rhia after all

“Ianto is that you?” Jack’s voice, his proper voice, called out from the bathroom. He sounded a little breathless, “Decide to join me after all?” 

“Uh,” Ianto took a peek inside his boxers but quickly looked away at what he saw, “Nope, just looking for some clothes” his regular parts were slowly coming back but he was in some sort of awkward in between stage. Jack could find a lot sexy but even he may have some trouble with this one.

It didn’t take long for Ianto to get dressed, his clothes fit him in places and yet hung off him in others. He was still a good inch or two shorter than normal but he refused to roll up his suit trousers, they’d crease and he’d have to iron them all over again.

Jack was taking forever in the shower so Ianto settled on the bed to wait for him, he swore he only closed his eyes for a second but the next thing he knew he was jolting awake to hands groping him.

“Jack!” Ianto squeaked and even if the sound was horribly embarrassing it was a male squeak which meant, “We’re back to normal”

“Yes we are” Jack was as good as lying on top of him, nudging their noses together with a seductive smile, “Are you gonna finish what you started in the kitchen now?”

“Oh I don’t know, you sounded like you were having plenty of fun on your own earlier in the shower. What time is it?” He couldn’t have been asleep that long surely

Jack checked his watch, “twenty three minutes past eleven,” he told him, “I though I’d let you catch up on some sleep this morning since the rifts been quiet but the team are coming in at half twelve and I thought we could enjoy some time together before they get-”

“Wait,” Ianto interrupted him, “Twenty three minutes past eleven?”

“Twenty four now” Jack corrected him with a bemused smile as the younger man started wriggling away from him with a horrified expression, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I was mean to pick the dry cleaning up half an hour ago” Ianto moaned, “Scoot, I need to get up”

“Lovely,” Jack rolled his eyes as he let Ianto up, “Nice to know you’d rather go run errands than have a quick tumble between the sheets with me”

Ianto paused by the mirror on his way out of Jack’s bunk to try and tame his hair, taking a second to scan his face and let out a relieved sigh when he saw everything was back to how it should be, “Hm, what?” He said distractedly, “We can have sex later Jack, I need to stay in this dry cleaners good books, they don’t ask questions when I bring in six shirts covered in blood and Tosh’s grass stained skirts”

“And they say romance isn’t dead” Jack teased, pulling his coat down off the hook as he followed Ianto upstairs

Ianto raised an eyebrow as Jack followed him onto the invisible lift, “What are you doing?”

“I’m coming with,” Jack told him simply, “Need to make sure this dry cleaner isn’t too attractive, don’t want you running off with a guy who can wash clothes”

“You’re ridiculous” Ianto rolled his eyes as Jack linked their arms together, giving the other man a quick once over. His eyes got caught on Jack’s smile, his stupid perfect smile that made Ianto’s insides go disgustingly mushy. He wondered if there ever would be a right time to broach the subject, “Jack I-”

“Hold that thought” Jack held a finger to his lips and nodded over to where Owen and Tosh were holding hands walking past them, unable to see them on the lift, “Would you look at that, seems like I owe Gwen twenty quid”

“Yeah.” Ianto figured he could try again later, or not

Jack waited until their teammates were out of sight before he pulled Ianto off the paving stone, “What were you about to say?”

“Nothing,” Ianto looked at Jack’s smile out of the corner of his eye and felt one creeping onto his own face, “It doesn’t need saying”


End file.
